A daring young woman named Alice
used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And bits of her anus in Dallas.
There once was a plumber from Brie,
Who was plumbing a lass by the sea,
She cried “Plumber, stop plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.”
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
were tattooed the prices of ale,
and on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
was the same information in Braille.
There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
A couple named William and Ellie
spent their honeymoon belly-to-belly,
because, in their haste,
they’d used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly.
There once was a vampire named Mable,
whose periods were really quite stable.
And every full moon,
she’d get out a spoon
and drink herself under the table.
What I’d love is a wormhole in space
in a very particular place.
I’d try to contrive it
so one end’s at my privates
and the other’s attached to my face.
There was a young woman from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling
Till a young lad named Boris
Barely touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
There once was a man from Japan
whose limericks just wouldn’t scan.
When asked why this was,
he answered, “Because
I always cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
There once was a gal from Peru
whose limericks stopped on line two.
There once was a fellow from Xiangling
Whose greatest delight was in mangling
Poems. He would drop
Words between lines and lop
Their ends off, and leave readers dang
There once was a poet named Will
Who tramped his way over a hill
And was speechless for hours
Over some stupid flowers
This was years before TV, but still.
In New Zealand a man has been found guilty of assault after he punched another bloke in a urinal, reports Ananova. Apparently the altercation was over a “breach of urinal etiquette.” The punchee had looked at the puncher and smirked.
Sentencing Aldridge to 50 hours of community service, Judge Raoul Neave said: “This is exactly the sort of behaviour that makes people afraid to go to town.”
The Naughty American has a great piece about the inclusion of new dirty words in the Oxford English Dictionary. Freshly added words include “boink,†“cock-block,†“cooch,†“cooze,†“pube,†“put out,†“starfucker,†“tonsil hockey,†and “ya-yas.â€
The editors go through an exhaustive process when including new words and insist on seeing a published example of the word before it gets in. This is tricky when it comes to slang as you don’t often see those words in the newspaper, so they often rely on privately written documents or novels.
One find that’s been particularly useful in the older-sleaze department is “My Secret Life,†an anonymous memoir from 1890 that’s quoted in entries for “cock,†“come,†“condom,†“fist-fuck,†“frig,†“nymph,†“randy,†and “spunk.†In fact, this juicy source contains the first known use of “spunk†as a euphemism for semen: “It seemed to me scarcely possible, that the sweet, well dressed, smooth-spoken ladies … could let men put the spunk up their cunts.â€
Likewise, certain authors are better sources for slang than others, including some big names such as gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson and sex-obsessed novelist Henry Miller.
Thompson is quoted in entries for “fist-fucker,†“fuck-off,†“gimp,†“hard-ass,†“mofo,†and “pussy-whipped,†while Miller gets cited for using “ass,†“boob,†“cunt,†“douche,†“horny,†“muff,†“pecker,†“prick,†“quim,†“twat,†and “whang.â€
You’ve probably heard of the Darwin Awards, those dubious gongs given to people who remove themselves from the gene pool by killing themselves in ridiculous ways.
The 2007 winners have been announced and, amusingly, two sex-type anecdotes made the top 2.
RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)
June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. “It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof,” Sgt. McCants said.
AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS…
THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)
May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor… well, rectally. His wife said he was “addicted to enemas” and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.
Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!
When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.
The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an “astounding misapplication of judgment.” Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
A politician from Virginia is trying to introduce legislation banning people from attaching fake rubber testicles to their cars.
Lionel Spruill, who most famously tried to ban young people from wearing baggy pants, says the car accessories are offensive. “It’s OK to express yourself, but citizens have the right not to be subjected to something vulgar,” he said. Spruill said he embarked on the campaign after receiving a complaint to a constituent, who did not like having to explain to his young daughter what the testicles were.
The maker of “Bulls Balls” which makes the testicles laughed off the attempted ban. “It’s a novelty,” he said. “It’s funny.”
This is a snippet from an enormously large and long cartoon panel documenting the rise of civilisation. It graphically documents humankind’s rise from caveman through ancient times right up to the present, and it also lovingly adds explicit sex scenes and gruesome violence into the mix.
The pic is somewhat abhorrent but very compelling and beautifully drawn.
I can’t give any more info on this pic as I stumbled upon it while surfing and the blog on which its hosted is in German. Some random searching was no help.
A coach in Georgia is facing charges after he drove a number of his students around town and helped them to vandalise Christmas displays. John Hayes helped a number of middle-school students to sneak into front yards and create X-rated versions of existing decorations, including arranging the reindeer into sexual positions. Hayes and the kids were caught after a homeowner spotted them, followed them in his truck and confronted the group.
The Global Orgasm For Peace aims for the whole world to simultaneously get off at the same time, in the hope that the afterglow will bring peace on earth and goodwill to all mankind.
The big day is December 22, the solstice, at 06:08 Universal Time (GMT)
To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy.
It’s a nice idea and everything, but I’m worried about the pressure of having to climax at an exact, predetermined time. I mean, it sounds rather stressful.
Thanks to the site Human Marvels for bringing my attention to this video of strongwoman and striptease artist Charmion. Her main act involved stripping down to her underwear while on a trapeze, showing off her strength in the process.
One of her biggest fans was Thomas Edison, who filmed her act in 1901. It was a fairly risque thing to do at the time.
That’s right folks. Thomas Edison was a dirty pervy pornographer.
The blogosphere recently went crazy with the news that some poor Scottish bloke had been arrested for having sex with his bike in the privacy of his room.
The hostel cleaners knocked on his door and then unlocked it, discovering him getting jiggy with his cycle in an apparently shocking manner.
The poor guy made the mistake of pleading guilty to breach of the peace and now he’s on the sex offenders register for three years. The ruling has raised privacy concerns in Britain.
Central Station reports on the comments by his lawyer about the legality of the conviction.
“This case should not prevent people who want to engage in this sort of activity from doing so,” Mr. Scott recommended, “What I would say to a client of mine that wanted to do this kind of thing is as long as it’s behind a bolted door, with an inanimate object, then each to their own.”
Guardian writer Matt Seaton was similarly sympathetic, arguing “anyone who loves cycling is, to some extent, a bike fetishist.”
The principle any self-respecting court ought surely to have been upholding here was that what passes between a person and their consenting bicycle behind closed doors is nobody’s business but their own,” he suggested.
We used a condom for lube and cleanliness—those handlebars have been all over town—but no helmet. I pulled off my pants, flipped the bike upside down, leaned back and guided the handlebar right inside of me.
They were understandably concerned to learn of the Scottish bloke’s fate, leading them to post:
Do the health benefits of an active bikesexual lifestyle make up for the potential danger and embarrassment of being caught in the act? Imagine having to go around to all the houses in your neighborhood saying, “Hi. I am a sexual predator. I was caught humping a bicycle, so you should probably not leave your pretty young Bianchi laying around on your front yard… for it’s safety.”
Given that bikes do have a certain intimate contact level via the seat, I’m not surprised some people get off on them. And good luck to them, I say. Just as long as they’re not on the freeway when they’re doing it.
In any case, the pic above is unusual and kinda funny because she looks like she’s not gonna take shit from anyone. Naturally she’s a goth chick from Gothic Sluts and so it’s not surprising that she’d do this while posing.
The very first Airbus A380 has been delivered to Singapore airlines and the big news was the cabins with a double bed.
Naturally, everyone’s thoughts turned to sex. Suddenly joining the mile high club didn’t seem like such a complicated thing.
But wait, said Singapore Airways. We won’t have that sort of thing on our planes, thank you very much.
“If couples used our double beds to engage in inappropriate activity, we would politely ask them to desist,” said an airline spokesperson.
The very first passengers to enjoy said double bed were a bit dubious about it.
“So they’ll sell you a double bed, and give you privacy and endless champagne — and then say you can’t do what comes naturally?†asked Tony, a vigorous 76. “Seems a bit strange.”
“They seem to have done everything they can to make it romantic, short of bringing round oysters,” said Julie, 51. “I’d say they shouldn’t really complain, should they? Though I don’t think they’ll have anything to worry about from us — the flight is so busy with people coming to see the suites, we wouldn’t have the opportunity.”
The New York Times has a great opinion piece discussing why JK Rowling’s outing of Dumbledore earlier in the week was unnecessary.
Ms. Rowling quite consciously makes Dumbledore a flawed, more human wizard than these models, but now goes too far. There is something alien about the idea of a mature Dumbledore being called gay or, for that matter, being in love at all. He may have his earthly difficulties and desires, but in most ways he remains the genre wizard, superior to the world around him.
I think I have to agree with this writer. Dumbledore is essentially otherworldly and asexual. Gayness doesn’t really factor in who he is.
Still, the article points to all sorts of hidden hints within the final novel about Dumbledore’s secret past. I may have to re-read the Deathly Hallows again just for that.
I’m not sure why I keep doing toilet-related posts in this blog, but they’re always interesting. This time I’ve found a page listing unusual restrooms around the world, including the semi-see through toilet found at the Tate Gallery in London. As you can see, the toilet is made of one-way glass so the user must overcome a certain amount of pee-shyness, even though outsiders can’t see them at all.
There’s also toilets shaped like soccer balls and urinals that pop up out of the ground.
Moeliker said he began hunting in earnest for the species, also known as “pubic lice,” last year after reading an article published by British doctors in the June issue of the journal of Sexually Transmitted Infections.
The article, titled “Did the Brazilian Kill the Pubic Louse?” found that crabs rates had fallen first in women, and several years later in men in Leeds. The authors hypothesized that the bikini wax known as “The Brazilian” that removes all or most pubic hair, might be to blame.
“When the bamboo forests that the Giant Panda lives in were cut down, the bear became threatened with extinction. Pubic lice can’t live without pubic hair,” Moeliker said.
Can’t see the Wilderness Society having much success funding a campaign for this particular endangered animal. Although sex clinic nurses say that crabs are just as numerous as ever.
This page has a great rundown of the emergence of “porn chic” in the 1970s and looks at the growth of sexually explicit films in that decade.
By the Seventies, ALL sexual taboos were being broken. Not only broken, but displayed larger than life on the Silver Screen. With censorship losing it’s grip, filmmakers were pushing the limits. Explicitly showing what they previously could only hint at for fear of winding up in the slammer.
Something tells me that the Sex In Christ website isn’t entirely serious. Still, if you’re religiously inclined and are looking for a bunch of Biblical justifications for oral sex, anal sex, threesomes, bondage and Viagra, this is the place for you.
In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,†indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex. Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley†(referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: “How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} ‘ Who will come against me?’ (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.†(Song of Solomon, 1:4)
In New Zealand a man has been found guilty of assault after he punched another bloke in a urinal, reports 
A politician from Virginia is trying to introduce legislation banning people from attaching fake rubber testicles to their cars. 
The blogosphere recently went crazy with the news that some poor Scottish bloke had been arrested for having sex with his bike in the privacy of his room.
The very first Airbus A380 has been delivered to Singapore airlines and the big news was the cabins with a double bed.
I’m not sure why I keep doing toilet-related posts in this blog, but they’re always interesting. This time I’ve found a page listing unusual restrooms around the world, including the semi-see through toilet found at the Tate Gallery in London. As you can see, the toilet is made of one-way glass so the user must overcome a certain amount of pee-shyness, even though outsiders can’t see them at all.