The Literary Genesis of “Baby Got Back”

I remember when Sir Mix-A-Lot’s song “Baby Got Back” was released. I hated it. I thought it was horribly sexist and I have never been a fan of rap.

But then I heard the line “My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns hun.” And that was it, I could only laugh about it. This song is just so ridiculous that taking it seriously demands too much time and effort. It’s also praising large bottoms, and that’s always a nice thing.

And now I’ve discovered this amusing website that ascribes a literary history to this ode to big bums.

To these women I would speak clearly so that they understand my meaning, though I might be inclined to use somewhat of a poet’s speech for various parts of my phraseology in order to disguise the uncouth words that I would be forced to use in uttering such conciseness. Therefore, my mighty manhood might be likened to a snake, a large snake, though not a poisonous snake, for that would speak ill of the snake itself; rather, the snake would be so grand in size and prowess that it would be able to kill any easily who would threaten his territory, and the killing would be carried out by strangulation and suffocation within its coils. And this snake would, I would tell the woman, have no desire in her whatsoever: unless she possesses that of which I have been speaking for so long now.

Caught Masturbating With A Jar Of Pasta Sauce

Some days the news just hands you stupid sex stories on a platter:

Man fined $600 for masturbating with a jar of pasta sauce. In his car.

When Weatherley was stopped, he refused to leave his car and four officers used batons and capsicum spray to get him out.

They found a 750mm jar around his penis and said Weatherley attempted to continue “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling”.

Classic.

By the way, this poor blog has been terriby neglected for several months while I worked on other projects and went overseas. I’m hoping to revive it with regular quirky sex posts from now on.

BDSM Lovers Are Not Damaged Or Dangerous. Well… Duh.

An Australian study has found that people who enjoy bondage and discipline sex play (BDSM) are “not damaged or dangerous, and might even be happier than those who practise ‘normal’ sex.”

The researchers found that around 2% of Australians were into BDSM.

“Our findings support the idea that bondage and discipline and sadomasochism (BDSM) is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority,” Associate Professor Juliet Richters and her colleagues wrote in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The findings showed that it was more common among gay, lesbian and bisexual people, and that participants were more likely to have been more sexually adventurous in other ways.

“However, they were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were not significantly more likely to be unhappy or anxious,” said Prof Richters, author of the book Doing It Down Under.

Unfortunately this bit of research probably won’t make any difference to Australia’s draconian censorship laws, which rule that BDSM in porn is perverted and is thus banned.

Boobs On Bikes Goes Ahead

Boobs on bikes parade in New Zealand
The annual New Zealand Boobs on Bikes parade went ahead despite various protests and attempts by politicians to ban it.

A high court judge found that banning the parade would violate the country’s Bill of Rights giving an entitlement to free speech.

It could be that I move to New Zealand in the future, once the happy clappers get control of Australia. Even though it’s pretty cold down there, at least they’re guaranteed their right to get their tits out.

“Orgasm Blew My Mind” – A Stroke After Sex

The People has a rather interesting first-hand account of a 25 year old British girl who had a stroke moments after experiencing a particularly good orgasm with her boyfriend.

Laura recalled: “We were really going for it – it felt so good.

“We spent a lot of time in bed over the weekend but this was even more passionate.

“Suddenly I had a massive bodyshaking orgasm – the best I’d ever had.

“But immediately I felt numb down my right side. Then came an intense pain in my head and I couldn’t move.

“I tried to speak but I couldn’t make real words.

The Busking Pole Dancer

Busking pole dancerPolice are looking for a woman who is performing pole dance strip acts on trains in Bucharest.

The woman only busks on longer journeys between outer suburbs. She switches on her portable CD player, which plays “You Can Leave Your Hat On” by Tom Jones, and then she performs pole moves on the center pole in the middle of the train, stripping as she goes. Once finished to dresses and passes around a hat, asking for donations.

Naturally people are up in arms in case children see it. As usual.

If caught she’ll be up for indecent exposure and public begging.

Source.

Doctors Remove 16 Washers From Penis

The Berowra fire brigade found itself faced with an unusual request recently when a man called for help because he had 16 metal washers around his penis. The man made the call at 3am, desperate to get the metal rings off his dick, although no explanation was given as to how or why they got there in the first place.

The man may well have thought long and hard about placing himself in the difficult situation.

Doctors took 90 minutes to remove the washers using fire brigade equipment.

Wolf Whistles Actually Worked

A woman in New Zealand caught everyone out the other day when she stripped off her clothes in response to wolf whistles from men on a road repair site.

City News reports that an Israeli tourist was so sick of being harrassed with whistles every time she went by that she decided to “show them what I’ve got.”

While withdrawing money from an ATM, she stripped naked and presented herself to them. Then she calmly took her cash, got dressed and strolled off. The men were stunned into silence.

The police took her in for a little chat. She explained her position and no charges were laid. The wolf whistles have stopped.

What’s interesting about this is that this woman’s strange logic has done the trick. She’s laid the sexism of these men bare. She’s just turned around and made them take a bit of a look at themselves and hopefully made them a bit ashamed.

Still, I doubt that this is going to become the female defence of choice against on-the-street sexual harrassment.

Peacock Feather Butt Plug

Peacock feather buttplug
Buttplugs. We know what you’re going to say. Ho hum… stuff you shove up your ass.

But wait, anal afficionados! What if it had… a peacock feather on it?

Well, dang, you’d say. That would make it ultra-cool and very fantastic indeed! You could pretend you were a… a… peacock of some kind!

But wait! There’s more! How about a bunny tail butt plug? A pony tail butt plug? Or a fox tail butt plug? You could seriously head off into some kind of anal Narnia with these things.

All this cool stuff is from JT Stockroom

Wine And Your Sexual Preference

An Italian winemaker has taken the unusual step of creating wines that also indicate sexual preference.

This week, Franco D’Eusanio, who operates an organic vineyard in the Abruzzo region, introduced the “masculine” red wine ‘Is,’ the feminine white wine ‘Ea’ and the rose ‘Id’, for those with uncertain or ambiguous inclinations. Each comes with a psychological test and a questionnaire on sexual behavior, the ANSA news agency reported.

He claims the wine and material will help consumers “look within themselves and discover their true sexual identity,” the report said.

Ah, wine. Is there nothing it can’t do? Although I must admit, I like red, white AND rose according to my mood and the weather…

Via.

Postman Caught Wearing Other People’s Undies

A British postman is in trouble for theft, but there’s an amusing twist to this story. When his supervisors set a trap to catch him stealing from mail, they got more than they expected. Suspected of stealing women’s lingerie, they strip-searched him and discovered the man was wearing it.

British postal worker Matthew Furness, 35, was in a g-string from the $120 Bravissimo undies set.

Suspicious bosses had put the underwear in his van after an opened package was found in it.

Link.

More Sex With Inanimate Objects

Smiley vacuum for sexA while ago I blogged about a guy caught having sex with his bike (and how he was actually doing it in the privacy of his room, until the cleaners burst in and got offended).

Now a bunch of other guys have been sprung having intimate moments with inanimate objects.

A man in Wiltshire, England, has been arrested for having sex with a lamp post.

A couple of weeks ago a bloke was in terrible trouble for having sex with his vacuum cleaner.

The man was allegedly discovered naked, on his hands and knees, with his rude bits in the business end of a smiling Henry vacuum cleaner.

It lost him his job.

Meanwhile, another man was arrested for drunkenly attempting to have sex with a fence in a London park.

“He said words to the effect of: ‘I’m going to have sex with that fence’,” said Philip Lemoine, prosecuting.

The guy involved denies it, saying he’s a victim of police harrassment.

Something’s happening here, people. It’s further proof that the rapture is coming.

Actually, it’s just proof that some guys are so horny they’ll get it on with anything given the chance.

Good Sex Lasts Between 3-13 Minutes: Study

American researchers have conducted a survey of how long most people have sex and found that the average time was between 3 and 13 minutes.

It found that men often wanted to last longer than that but women weren’t really bothered about duration and essentially don’t give a damn.

Intercourse lasting between three and seven minutes was deemed “adequate”, but anything less was “too short” and beyond 13 minutes was “too long”.

The study, published today in the international Journal of Sexual Medicine, is designed help calm couples’ unrealistic beliefs that healthy sex should last a long time.

US studies show Americans expect penetrative sex to last between 15 and 20 minutes, even though self reports indicate it is over in less than half this time.

Lead researcher Dr Eric Corty, from the Behrend College in Erie, Pennsylvania, said this was a situation “ripe for disappointment and dissatisfaction”.

Link.

Headline Of The Year

Best. Headline. Ever.

Police: Crack found in man’s buttocks.

Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks.

“I’m ordering you to put your hands on your head and unclench your buttocks!”

The Dangers Of Breaching Urinal Etiquette

Urinal etiqutteIn New Zealand a man has been found guilty of assault after he punched another bloke in a urinal, reports Ananova. Apparently the altercation was over a “breach of urinal etiquette.” The punchee had looked at the puncher and smirked.

Sentencing Aldridge to 50 hours of community service, Judge Raoul Neave said: “This is exactly the sort of behaviour that makes people afraid to go to town.”

If you find yourself wondering about the exact niceties of urinal etiqutte, you may want to, ahem, bone up at the International Center for Bathroom Etiquette. After that, take this official urinal test.

Then you can play the Urinal Game!

2007 Darwin Awards Get Sexy

You’ve probably heard of the Darwin Awards, those dubious gongs given to people who remove themselves from the gene pool by killing themselves in ridiculous ways.

The 2007 winners have been announced
and, amusingly, two sex-type anecdotes made the top 2.

RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)

June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. “It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof,” Sgt. McCants said.

AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS…
THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)

May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor… well, rectally. His wife said he was “addicted to enemas” and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an “astounding misapplication of judgment.” Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.

Banning The Balls

Bulls ballsA politician from Virginia is trying to introduce legislation banning people from attaching fake rubber testicles to their cars.

Lionel Spruill, who most famously tried to ban young people from wearing baggy pants, says the car accessories are offensive. “It’s OK to express yourself, but citizens have the right not to be subjected to something vulgar,” he said. Spruill said he embarked on the campaign after receiving a complaint to a constituent, who did not like having to explain to his young daughter what the testicles were.

The maker of “Bulls Balls” which makes the testicles laughed off the attempted ban. “It’s a novelty,” he said. “It’s funny.”

Source.

Husband Discovers Wife Working In Brothel

Another sad tale that ends in divorce: a man’s secret visit to a brothel went pear-shaped when he discovered his wife working as one of the prostitutes.

Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

“I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming,” the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday.

Bummer. They’d been married for 14 years.

What I do find interesting about this report is that it’s worded to make it seem like the wife is the guilty one. Whereas the husband’s trip to the brothel is considered perfectly normal.

Source.

Coach Helps Kids Sex Up Christmas Displays

A coach in Georgia is facing charges after he drove a number of his students around town and helped them to vandalise Christmas displays. John Hayes helped a number of middle-school students to sneak into front yards and create X-rated versions of existing decorations, including arranging the reindeer into sexual positions. Hayes and the kids were caught after a homeowner spotted them, followed them in his truck and confronted the group.

Source.