A daring young woman named Alice
used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And bits of her anus in Dallas.
There once was a plumber from Brie,
Who was plumbing a lass by the sea,
She cried “Plumber, stop plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.”
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
were tattooed the prices of ale,
and on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
was the same information in Braille.
There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
A couple named William and Ellie
spent their honeymoon belly-to-belly,
because, in their haste,
they’d used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly.
There once was a vampire named Mable,
whose periods were really quite stable.
And every full moon,
she’d get out a spoon
and drink herself under the table.
What I’d love is a wormhole in space
in a very particular place.
I’d try to contrive it
so one end’s at my privates
and the other’s attached to my face.
There was a young woman from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling
Till a young lad named Boris
Barely touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
There once was a man from Japan
whose limericks just wouldn’t scan.
When asked why this was,
he answered, “Because
I always cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
There once was a gal from Peru
whose limericks stopped on line two.
There once was a fellow from Xiangling
Whose greatest delight was in mangling
Poems. He would drop
Words between lines and lop
Their ends off, and leave readers dang
There once was a poet named Will
Who tramped his way over a hill
And was speechless for hours
Over some stupid flowers
This was years before TV, but still.
From this site.
Posted by quirky as Quirky Sex at 12:04 PM PST
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Best. Headline. Ever.
Police: Crack found in man’s buttocks.
Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks.
“I’m ordering you to put your hands on your head and unclench your buttocks!”
Posted by quirky as News Stories at 10:06 AM PST
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In New Zealand a man has been found guilty of assault after he punched another bloke in a urinal, reports Ananova. Apparently the altercation was over a “breach of urinal etiquette.” The punchee had looked at the puncher and smirked.
Sentencing Aldridge to 50 hours of community service, Judge Raoul Neave said: “This is exactly the sort of behaviour that makes people afraid to go to town.”
If you find yourself wondering about the exact niceties of urinal etiqutte, you may want to, ahem, bone up at the International Center for Bathroom Etiquette. After that, take this official urinal test.
Then you can play the Urinal Game!
Posted by quirky as News Stories, Quirky Sex at 8:55 PM PST
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The Naughty American has a great piece about the inclusion of new dirty words in the Oxford English Dictionary. Freshly added words include “boink,†“cock-block,†“cooch,†“cooze,†“pube,†“put out,†“starfucker,†“tonsil hockey,†and “ya-yas.â€
The editors go through an exhaustive process when including new words and insist on seeing a published example of the word before it gets in. This is tricky when it comes to slang as you don’t often see those words in the newspaper, so they often rely on privately written documents or novels.
One find that’s been particularly useful in the older-sleaze department is “My Secret Life,†an anonymous memoir from 1890 that’s quoted in entries for “cock,†“come,†“condom,†“fist-fuck,†“frig,†“nymph,†“randy,†and “spunk.†In fact, this juicy source contains the first known use of “spunk†as a euphemism for semen: “It seemed to me scarcely possible, that the sweet, well dressed, smooth-spoken ladies … could let men put the spunk up their cunts.â€
Likewise, certain authors are better sources for slang than others, including some big names such as gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson and sex-obsessed novelist Henry Miller.
Thompson is quoted in entries for “fist-fucker,†“fuck-off,†“gimp,†“hard-ass,†“mofo,†and “pussy-whipped,†while Miller gets cited for using “ass,†“boob,†“cunt,†“douche,†“horny,†“muff,†“pecker,†“prick,†“quim,†“twat,†and “whang.â€
Posted by quirky as Quirky Sex at 1:06 PM PST
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The Naughty American has a cracking article about the recent release of classified FBI files that dishes plenty of dirt on numerous celebrities from the 40s, 50s and 60s.
To give a quick rundown:
* Abbot and Costello both kept a huge porn collection including lots of girl-girl films.
* Frank Sinatra once refused to pay a prostitute for sex because she was too drunk.
* A gay dermatologist claimed to have “compromising photos” of Elvis Presley
* Joe DiMaggio offered an unknown person $25 grand to obtain a film showing Marilyn Monroe performing a “perverted act.”
* Jimi Hendrix was caught masturbating by members of his platoon while serving in the army.
* The FBI caught Rock Hudson at a “wild orgy” during a raid on a brothel.
* Baseball star Mickey Mantle used prostitutes and was caught in the bed of a married woman.
The FBI also tried to prosecute Andy Warhol for transporting his film Lonesome Cowboy across state lines. The report read:
“One of the male actors was performing an act of cunnilingus on [a] girl who was on the ground. A second man was licking her breasts. A third male actor was trying to stick his hat up her rectum. A fourth actor was exposing himself and had his trousers dropped to his knees and trying to have her perform an act of fellatio on him.”
Needless to say, the stern-faced FBI was far from amused. Fortunately for Warhol, he escaped prosecution – on the grounds that “at no time did the camera show penetration.”
Ah, those were the days.
Posted by quirky as Celebrities at 4:55 PM PST
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