For the man or woman who has everything, here are some seriously weird, quirky (and occasionally sexist) sex items that may pique your wandering interest:

Shower Boobs
According to the spiel at Boys stuff: Do you fancy fondling a pert pair of bosoms in the shower every day? Actually that’s probably a silly question. Well now you can do just that, and make them squirt into the bargain. Before this descends into Carry On territory, we should make it clear that the Shower Breasts are a fun and saucy shower gel/shampoo dispenser.

What do you mean “before this descends into Carry On Territory”? Sure to impress any potential girlfriend, I’m sure.

The Ball Scratcher
From the same Boy’s Stuff people comes this “elegant” silver thingy designed for scratching the scrotum. Apparently doing it with an implement shaped like a woman’s hand makes it less offensive than just using your fingers. I should point out that it’s a gentleman’s ball scratcher, as opposed to the type used by any old riff-raff.

Semen Collectors
These are actually serious items for people trying to get pregnant. They come complete with a special “Pre Seed Fertility Friendly Intimate Moisturiser” which helps those happy little swimmers get to where they need to go. Not sure why you need to collect semen and then whack it in a cup, instead of just ejaculating internally as nature intended, but it’s all terribly scientific.

Hip Flask With Large Penis
This item appeared on ebay. Not sure why it’s got such an enormous donger, especially since the protruding member is bound to mess with the hip-hugginess of said hip flask. It seems to be a one off as the pewter seller doesn’t have any similar items listed.

Dicky Big Gulp
No, it’s not something from Doctor Who (although… it really does resemble that green bubble wrap monster from The Ark In Space episode), this is a neon green drink bottle in the shape of a penis. As the spiel says: “Amuse your friends!” Yes, either that or make them run off screaming.

The iBuzz
Apparently this promises that you can “get off while getting down.” I’m sure Disco Stu would love that. Plug the vibrating bullet into your iPod or other MP3 device and the lovely little thing will buzz in time to the music. You turn up the volume for stronger vibrations. The site doesn’t mention how Mozart stacks up against, say, Metallica in the orgasm stakes.

Senslip Artificial Foreskin
According to the Senslip website, men who have been circumcised can lose sensitivity in their penis. This artificial foreskin is meant to cover the glans and help protect the penis from chafing, eventually restoring normal sensitivity. They also promise “a feeling of warmth, security and self-esteem.”

“Make Your Grandmother A Porn Star”
This is a fake book cover designed to be wrapped around existing books for a joke. Back cover reads: “10 ways to profit off your grandmother, teach your grandmother how to love herself and her body.”

Feather Butt Plug
For those who feel they need to “shake a tailfeather”, this butt plug comes complete with a plume of extravagant black feathers. According to JT Stockroom, “this is a rare item designed and crafted for the 1999 Penthouse magazine “Birds of a Feather” pictorial, shot by Earl Miller. One of the models had the light weight feather tail in for over three hours!

Vibrating Pleasure Periscope
It’s a vibrator… and a periscope. Of course! According to the spiel, this device “provides powerful, pleasing vibrations…while the viewer window and inside light allow you to self-examine as you self-stimulate.” It all looks terribly complicated and not very seaworthy. No word on whether the item has the obligatory “bing!” sound.

Hand of Adonis
For all those times when you want to fist someone but you’ve got your hands full. Of course, it’s for “novelty use only” but that won’t stop potential users from seeing just how far Adonis’ black hand can reach into their nether regions. Again, it looks a little like the Hand of Fear from Doctor Who.

Thanks to Feministing’s list of disturbing products and also Strange New Products for some of these links.

Posted by quirky in Quirky Sex